hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

How do I feel about this? Perhaps I need to evaluate this more carefully myself, rather than having a knee jerk Aries Moon reaction. Interestingly, all I can separate right now is WHY I believe that I am having this knee jerk like reaction.

It is some mix of sadness and guilt, that it mostly what I am feeling right now. A bit of a "holy shit" over even talking to the man, but that's just...

What he said to me. WoW was never as fun as when he was in Sword and the Fist. This makes me feel guilty, I took that away from him. It wasn't intentional, I could not have foreseen how that day was going go.

I also feel strangely guilty that I don't feel that way. Sword and the Fist was great, we had some awesome times. But the Keepers are so much more and if things hadn't gone down the way that they did, he would know that. You can have the really tight knit group of friends who love to hang out and raid too. Part of me wants to show him that.

The Eagle seems to think that this is about closure for me. It could be. I don't know how deep the scars go over this, it doesn't even really seem like it happened to me anymore. But if I could fix things...would I want to? Of course.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

Is it December already? The wedding is less than six months away, and there is so much to do...

Barring some unfortunately bad food, we should have a catering contract within the week. That's a huge burden lifted, next needs to come the florist and photographer. I think that we have both of those picked out, too; I will probably meet with them sometime over my mother's Christmas break to finalize things. Next comes writing the invitations, so that we can get that ball rolling. My mother is getting fidgety about a head count, which we probably won't know for months yet at the earliest. But making the invitations is a part of that process.

Seeing my extended family on Thanksgiving was interesting, there were a lot of questions about whether children will be allowed at the wedding. I feel bad because I will be telling people "no" and then inviting Savannah and Dakota, Kat's kids. But they are much closer family than my second cousins, they will probably be my niece and nephew someday. Still, I hate double standards, and know that I am creating one.

Anyways, enough rambling. We'll get there, and the day will be perfectly flawed, like all days are. I need to worry about it less.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I think that I need to be creative, it may very well be the one thing that will keep me sane. Designing things for Krista Sophia my cleradin helped some, but I think that I'm out of options for that. So now I'm thinking photography tomorrow, some fun cooking, and murloc ornaments are in my future.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I guess it seems to one and all right now that I am too overwhelmed to care about what other people are feeling. Maybe in a way I am, this is the "shutdown" time of year for me...too many people projecting too much. My fragile ego just can't handle it. I hear somewhere inside, and I empathize, I promise you that, dearest readers, even if I don't overtly respond.

I am worried about what the next weeks bring. After what I thought was a somewhat acceptable solution in my nerding, the Capricorn showed up last Friday night and kept talking about what he wanted to make for an exalted character. Apparently my statement that I would not game with him anymore wasn't taken overly seriously, fuck dealing with mutable and cardinal types. Two weeks later everything is not forgotten, a Taurus never forgets. I fear that I am going to have to make a bigger deal about this, and bring it up again - the process of this will cause me to lose Shen completely, I am fairly sure. I'm also fairly sure that I don't know if I care anymore, but that may also just be a product of this time of year.

I feel like I am going to end up rounded out this year angry, overwhelmed and friendless. Yes, I know, there are readers who are appalled by this statement, I am sure. Its so much easier that way, though, less hurts when you have nobody to hurt you.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

My dreams, once again, have elements of water in them. It was night time, but warm, maybe spring or early summer. I was outside with Audrey, a woman that I work with, and somebody else who may have been Sheila. Audrey insisted that it was night time and us three woman had to use the night to express our feminine power; we were holding hands around a tree and singing some sort of nursery rhyme. Then there were flowers everywhere, and I felt compulsed to eat the stems.

Afterwords, we walked down towards some trees that were just barely hiding some sort of glinting water. There was a large creature that started as we approached and made a dash for the waves, I assumed that it was a beaver (the large aquatic animal from this area of the country) but I belatedly realized that it was an alligator, and worried for our safety.

I can find no solid symbolism to pull from this dream, water + darkness could easily equate to the subconscious, inferring that my emotions have dug in deep to keep away from my conscious thoughts. And I guess that I view them as dangerous, with alligators guarding their depths.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

Maybe it is a result of the lack of sleep, but I was in a mood tonight. One of those kind of moods, predatory if you will. If you know me, you know what I mean. Although, to my surprise and (dare I say it) pleasure, my prey seemed to be enjoying it was much as I was.

Tonight ends with a few thoughts. One is that my two friends Sha(u/w)n are really the same person, because there are times when we seem to transpose one for the other. Last Sunday Mr. Robbins left my apartment and before we had a chance to sit back down from saying goodbye to him, Mr. Martineau was at the door. Another is of stamps that say "This product belongs to Megan and Chris" on the Debbie's forehead...

I'm enjoying getting to play another character again. Krista Sophia became a cleric/paladin when I had intended for her to be a cleric/fighter, but Lay on Hands is going to save my friend's lives. Amusingly though that makes me donkey far on his way to becoming a celestial mount...you get the idea.

Yeah my thoughts are every where today. That also might be a side effect of the lack of sleep, but it could as easily be a result of spending all day ringing with a Libra and an Aquarius and then came home to spend the evening with an intense double Gemini pairing.

In closing, its nice to see friends that you don't get to see often. And Scorpios are really fun to play with if you know how to stroke their egos correctly.

La Fine.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I've noticed that I started to feel better in close proximity to when the sun entered Sagittarius. This is no coincidence, I feel certain of that.

It has been a week now, and I can look at the event of last weekend and my reactions to them with a somewhat more level head. That's something that the Eagle doesn't completely understand about me, my ability to objectify anything, including my emotions. I guess that its an Air sign thing, my Gemini Venus reacting after the fact to my Aries Moon's over reactions.

Still to call them over reactions doesn't make them less valid, sadly. If there is anything that I have learned about myself in the past few years it is why I run. There have been many times in my life (Felipe, for instance) where I have made a slow and conscious choice to cut somebody from me life; but that is not the norm. Most times that I have done so I have reacting in a blur of pain. Very few people that have hurt me so badly remain anywhere even in my periphery.

Its the difference between what Viskers did as opposed to what Acancer did. For some reason, in the long term, the first was more forgivable than the second. The words that Joe and I spoke to each other that Monday remain burned into my head, but he did not say them to hurt me. Despite all of the things that were going on, he was mostly oblivious to how I felt. He reacted later, spouting insults, but they arose from being hurt himself, and not understanding the true nature of what is going on. That I find forgivable, through the cold lens of my Gemini Venus.

I don't mean to speak of the past, but still, it helps me to understand the present. Its been a while since I came to this point with a friend, but I find myself at a loss as to whether its even worth trusting Shen again. Her boyfriend is a dick, and somehow it is still my fault. I realize that this is something that has brewing inside me for a while now, I have this thing about questing whether or not I can trust somebody who cannot even make plans and show up on time. Maybe that's faulty reasoning on my part, but if I can't even rely on you for that, how can I rely on you for something more?

Though she has done many little things that bothered me for months, I have overlooked them. Constantly being the Capricorn's enabler is one of them, though to me that is a forgivable offense. But when that means blaming me when I have not done a single thing wrong, that goes to far. The problem is that I don't even WANT to forgive it, so how can I?

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I haven't been this upset in a really long time.

If there is one good thing in my life, its my friends. Its the fun that I have creating and running my game. Its my one small safe corner in the slew of too many bills to pay, and worrying about whether I can afford Christmas presents or a winter coat, or stressing out about my job and the disregard with which my boss treats me, or the fact that I am not doing anything meaningful in my life. WoW used to be that for me, a release, but through a lot of different things, it hasn't been for a while. All I have were my friends...

Maybe all I had were my friends...

I spent all week planning this encounter. Amelie, Stumpy and Vin had their strength sapped by the shadows near the portal back into the mortal realm, Amelie almost to the point of death. I was playing with game mechanics that I had never dealt with before, but that's what I like to do. Christ and I made dinner, we all sat down and ate, so content with how good the meal was that the seven of us didn't even talk for a couple of minutes, a small miracle with the group that we have. Then, just as we were ready to start gaming, Ryan's phone rings and he talks for a second and then gets up to leave.

I am so livid that my entire body is wracked in pain, I have been nauseous for what seems like hours.

I think that my game is over, Ryan certainly wont be allowed back into it which probably means that Sheila is out, too. Somehow I will get blamed for this even though I'm the only one of the two of us that has been even trying to play nice. Fuck my life.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

Did an interesting synergy today on the kitty couple.  What I found reinforced heavily what I had already extrapolated.  One should remember the axiom of "the ugly" know otherwise as "when 7-7 Sun Signs try to date one another".  It is rarely pretty, far more often fatal.   When comparing the two native's signs in a case such as this, one needs to look and see if there is a sense of balance between both individuals.  Do they have what the other lacks?  Do they reinforce what the other has a hard time with, or do they alleviate this tension?

I feel the need to go through the basics, Astrology-101.  Mr. Kitty is a Leo Sun, Virgo Moon, Virgo Rising.  Ms. Kitty is a Aquarius Sun, Cancer Moon.   Right away we can reason that Fire-Earth and Air-Water aren't the best combination; one wants to have compatible Sun-Moon connects much more so that Sun-Sun or Moon-Moon.  There Sun signs don't share a true opposition, but interestingly his Moon at 00° Virgo is in a soft out of element opposition with her Sun at 26° Aquarius.

This is just one of many oppositions in their combined horoscopes.   His Moon at 00° is also in opposition with her Mercury at 00° Pisces (exact) AND her Mars at 06° Pisces.   His Mercury at 11° Leo is in opposition with her Venus at 14° Aquarius,  his Mars at 21° Gemini is in opposition of her Neptune at 21° Sagittarius, his Jupiter at 16° Leo is in opposition of her Venus, and his Saturn at 11° Virgo is in opposition of  her Mars at 06° Pisces.   I have never seen so many oppositions in two people's synastry, not even Acancer and his Capricorn.

There does seem to be some karma at play, but it more balances for her than it does him.   She has a bad conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn exact at 09° Libra, which might be somewhat metered by his Sun being sextile both in Leo.   Likewise, the other point of contention that sticks out in the natal horoscope is a strong Sun-Uranus Square, and his Venus creates a strong trine with her Uranus in Scorpio, metering it somewhat.  They also have a very weak conjunction between her Moon at 17° Cancer and his Venus at 24° Cancer.

But otherwise, oppositional Mercuries, incompatible Sun-Moon energy exanges and a mutlitude of inconjunctions mar this landscape.  

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

Two of my friends split up this weekend,  This should be no surprise to the people that knew them, they had more differences than similarities.  She is a rather serious Capricorn Sun / Scorpio Moon; he a fairly light hearted double Gemini.  She is waxing on and on about how she put her trust in him, and all the various ways that he betrayed her.   I keep thinking to myself that if she had ever really seen him, she should have understood that he expectations for him were not right.  If you put unfair expectation upon a relationship, you take at least some of the blame when it falls apart. 

Taking the blame is something that an astonishing number of people really suck at, and I realize this.  But if we want something to work right, we need to understand all of the pieces.  Astrology helps people to do that, although most people don't put enough stock in it to put it to full use. Gemini Sun, Gemini Moon, Virgo Rising.  That's a lot of mercuriality.   He has a strong placement of Venus is Cancer in his chart, so he loves deeply; but truth be told Cancer loves all equally, they just don't always admit to it.  Mr. Double Gemini is not meant to be a one-girl man, he can commit to one person emotionally, but physically he needs more stimulation than that.   To deny him that is to ask him to cheat on you, I'm surprised that it took him six years to do so.

What is it about humans that makes us so flawed?  It seems to me that when we start to feel, our ability to see falls by the wayside.  Even when somebody is clear on their intentions, you still overlook them with your own.  You want something casual so you neglect to notice their growing attachment, or you want something meaningful so you ignore them telling you outright not to fall in love with them.  We wonder  why most relationships don't work, its because even when people are clear with their intentions, other people gloss right over them.  Our lack of pure and meaningful communication in the world today astounds me, and angers me.

Yes, I find that I am angry today.   Not at the Capricorn in particular, she is flawed like we are all flawed.  Somebody so ruled by Mercury never gave her the security that her moon in Scorpio so desperately needed.   But rather than accept that, rather than looking for somebody who would fit her better she flings insults at the double Gemini, and places blame.  He is wrong for being who he is. 

I remember this all too well, flashes of my Psycho-ex Libra run through my head.     It took years to overcome the damage that he did to my psyche, I only hope that the double Gemini is stronger. 

One thing stands out to me about this weekend, an understanding of breaking up.  No matter how close you may have been, no matter how much you two may want to remain friends, breaking up is something that must be done alone.
 

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

There were eyes on me in my sleep last night, reader.  Not the lazy half closed lids of a sleeping lion, the penetrating eyes of a hunting lion.  I woke with the distinct impression that I was prey, though it didn't worry me.  I guess that I have know this lion for too long to worry any longer, he did after all, first appear to me in a dream in 1998.  He worried me once, he does no longer.

In fact, he was not the only cat that stalked my dreams last night.  Much later in the morning I was dreaming about some sort of sea monster that we were trying to rile.  I am not sure why we trying to get it to keep attacking us, but as it attacked the shore we swam quickly around some sort of palisade, maybe even in a moat, to get to a safer location before it attacked again.  We were taunting in, and I was fearful as I swam to the new and safer location.  Where I was (see also: in the water) left me vulnerable.   There were killer whales in the waters of the moats and they seemed to cheer my on with their whistling.  Finally I got to some sort of boat and was lifted aboard by three men.  There was a little girl on the boat, also soaking wet as if she had just swam here, with a very pale orange cat.  It was sleek, similar in size to Elric, with cream colored fur and light orange stripes.  The monster started to attack, but fled as the cat ran towards that side of the boat.  We all stared in awe, but the little girl (who was a ginger herself) just giggled and said: "Oh, Medici is like that!".  The cat started to rub herself up against my hand, and I awoke to Elric doing the same.

Both of these dreams were highly significant.   Sometimes I just know this.  The first makes me wonder some, but it surprises me less today than it would have yesterday.  The second is more complex, the imagery still so distant in my subconscious that I have to grasp at straws to understand the symbolism.   Water as always, and there is no simple explanation for that one.  I wish that it was as simple as the Eagle likes to claim, but I have dreamed about water for far too long for it to be.   These days I find myself swimming in it as often as not, and the water is more dangerous than normal.  Still, the killer whales served some sort of protective layer that I do not fully understand, as did Medici.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I just realized who that squirly boy-voice in my dreams was.  I am proud of my psyche for not realizing who it was until now.  But really, has it been that long that I don't recognize it instantaneously?  Well, I guess not long enough that I couldn't replicate it with near exactness.

Time has happened, I'm sure that my kitten has turned into a cat, but he will always sound like that to me.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I have a lot on my mind right now.  There is this post about love and what it is and what it isn't rolling around in my head that I've even sat out and type a few times, but it always comes out so trite and doesn't get my point across at all.  I could go on a rant about why I became a priest, just to see if I could actually write about WoW on a regular basis.  I could try to find words to come up with this sinking sensation that I've done this before, that some things never change.  I even half wrote  a rant at work one evening about the horrors of working in customer service, though that one probably would have made it onto Facebook and not onto here.

Something is wrong...something is wrong...something is wrong...

And, my dear reader, you will always think that it is something other than what it is.

Am I happier now?  I hesitate to say yes, but it is truer than no.  The pressure is off of me now, for the first time in six months.   Remember that conversation that we had about Taurus' getting cranky when they are uncomfortable?   It may not have been the stabbing pains of my cervix trying to eat me, or the oppressive heat of our 90 degree New England summers, but the situation was making me equally uncomfortable.  This little Taurus has learned when enough is enough.  This little fire bull has learned that "love" by itself is never enough. "Love" is just a word.

More often than not, "love" is just obsession.  I've had this eternal debate with myself before (and apparently, after all, I am going to rant about love) - is love nothing more than mutual obsession?   Or is it something far more subtle?  My Psycho-Ex Libra once described love to me as the desire to sacrifice yourself for another and yet, he thought that he loved me.  He loved me so much that he wanted to put me in an invisible cage with his own desires for who he saw me as radiating brighter than who I was.  He wanted to be able to approve of who I spent me time with, and by that he meant only the men that he'd befriended and decided were trustworthy enough to not try anything with me.

I remain convinced that he ruined any chance of me knowing love at a young age by his own selfishness.  He didn't understand that his "love" for me wasn't enough, that I had to love him back.

I tried to love him, really I did.  You can't understand what that means, I think, unless you've tried to love somebody.  I said the right words, sometimes did the right things.   But always there was this itch in the back of my head.  Something wasn't right.  If that has made me more hesitant in my adult life about love, so be it.   I am but a sum of my experiences, reflected back upon the world.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

An interesting observation. 

I found out yesterday that the new cashier that I have been working with was born today, a huge surprise as I would never have pegged her as a Scorpio.  And to top it off, she has a lot of planets in Scorpio: Sun, Mercury, Venus and Pluto.  But it brings up an important point, the other major influences (Moon, Ascendant, major Conjunctions) can heavily outweigh the influence of your sun signs energy if they are aligned right.

Right away I see what Aroyo would call a "double whammy".  Not only is her Moon at 22 degrees Taurus, but her Venus in Scorpio is EXACTLY conjunct her Sun.   Yeah, I would peg her as Venesian long before I ever would have called her a Scorpio, there is a softness, a sweetness even to her personality that cannot be ignored.

I wonder what her Ascendant is, she didn't know what time of day she was born.  Maybe she'll remember to ask for me.

Oh yeah, and her Moon is conjunct my Sun, its no wonder we get along so instinctively.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

Christ and I found ourselves in Sunderland yesterday, so we hiked to the top of Sugarloaf.   It did wonders for my psyche, the winds at its summit seemed to cleanse the clutter infesting my mind from the over-stimulation of so many mind invading Michael's all week.

Still, I found it strangely fascinating, as always, how differently we reacted to being at the summit.  He was in such a rush to put quarters into the machine, to see as far as his eyes could see.  I was more interested in watching my him.   Maybe it is the difference in men and women, I remain unconvinced either way.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I will continue to laugh at you and your bad pictures of your bad Halloween costume.

I don't care if that makes me a not nice person, because it makes me feel better.

The End.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

I feel strangely humbled by something that a close friend of mine said to me today.  He had no reason to say it, in fact I bet that lately I've given him lots of reason not to.

I think that I am incapable of that much...honesty.

Emotional honesty anyways.  Perhaps it is the lack of any real discernable water in my natal horoscope (in this case, Uranus hardly counts).

I see echoes of my past and people that I should have said this too, but never did.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

My first thought at waking up this morning.

If I need to make somebody hate me, I am very good at doing that.  Its seems to come naturally which I have always assumed means that there must be a lot to hate.

But to make somebody love me, or even like me?  Of that I am quite incapable; and I have always questioned if that also makes the inverse of the above true.

Oh yeah, and I am a very bad actress.  

Meh.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

it may not have been given to me, but my blood elf hunter has a cat named Viskers, that seems relevant after my last post.

the end.

hello world, its me, Zarozynia...

Something said, something asked...all of it has made me think on this rainy afternoon.  I huddled underneath my umbrella as I walked home, trying to figure out if I really have become so jaded.  What was I once that I am not now?  And was I ever really, or do I only think so now in hindsight?

My mementos, few though they might be:

* half of a red lego that the first Virgo broke and made me swear to keep always, at the bottom of an old paper box
* the dried flower petals from the rose said Virgo gave me on my sixteenth birthday
* a bead the Sparkin' O'Larkin' gave me at Camp Apex
* a tarnished silver box with faux velvet on the inside, a belated Christmas gift of Mr. Kitty
* a photo of Felipe and I sitting in the corner at G.C.C. on the day before Thanksgiving
* a necklace that Creepy Rob Fish Boy gave me the day that we broke up in early October that he told me was meant to by my "Christmas present"

All of these seem like early memories, the mementos become sparser and sparser the older that I get.  Did I stop believing in remembering things somewhere along the way?  Did I stop remembering that some things are worth remembering? 

Of e-mails, letters, correspondances, I have even less.   I still have all of the e-mails that Felipe sent me while he was in Guatemala, a Valentine that my psycho-ex Libra gave me the first year that we were dating.   Oh yeah and this, take it as you will:

I'm Sorry I'm doing this over an email
I'm sorry when I just logged on I didn't say anything to you, I wish I had just started the conversation but my mind was a blur with the things I had to say.
I'm sorry I found your livejournal, bored nights make you look up weird things. To be honest I enjoyed getting inside your head more than you normally allow. I should have just forgot all about it when I first found it.
I'm sorry I find you amazing and those times which you tried to stop talking to me I would start something up again.
I'm sorry I didn't word thing different or that I even said certain things at all.
I'm sorry I didn't treat you like you had Christ, that goes back to not saying things at all
I'm sorry I upset you. You're an awesome friend, and I just want what make you happy. If that means cutting me out, then I understand.
I hope I can catch you somewhere where I can have a real conversation with you soon....
I have to go do laundry 

This may answer your questions, dearest reader, but I fear that it is not the answers that you are hoping for.